Living Out Loud: Back to Old Bridge High School

On January 9, 2013, I went back to Old Bridge High School. I hadn't been there since June of 1986. I returned thanks to a great organization called Live Out Loud (www.liveoutloud.info). They work with the LGBT community to get people to go back to their high school and speak to the students (usually the school's gay-straight alliance {GSA}) about their experiences when they attended the school, and what their life is like now.

I met up with two of Live Out Loud's staffers: Meaghan and Tom. They were terrific. First, I should point out that the two of them spent a lot of time over the past few months preparing me for the experience. They were always a phone call or an email away if I had any questions and they so encouraging!

In 1986, I graduated from Madison Central High School. There was another high school in Old Bridge called Cedar Ridge. Some time later, the Old Bridge school system decided to make some changes and they combined the two schools into an east and west campus. So the school I spoke at was the new high school, while the building I once attended high school at is now called Carl Sandburg Middle School. But the point is, I was speaking at a high school in my home town.

We got to the school around 2pm.  We had been warned in advance that the school had a fire drill scheduled around that time, so we may have a difficult time getting in. We made it in without a problem, but as we approached the guidance counsellor's office, the drill began -- but it wasn't only a fire drill. These days, sadly, schools have more than just fire drills. This one was called a "lock-down" drill. Everyone (students AND faculty) were instructed to go into the nearest classroom and lock-down. This means, the door is locked from the inside, and the lights are turned out! So, there I was back at high school for the first time in 27 years, and I'm sitting in the dark in the guidance counsellor's office wondering what's going to happen next.  Well, the next part of the drill was the evacuation. And this wasn't a small evacuation, but rather 3,000 students and faculty all leaving the school and going outside to the field. We participated, as required, and headed to our car, to wait it out. Once things returned to normal, we were taken upstairs to one of the classrooms, and my Homecoming Project was about to begin.

I met with the two counsellors who supervise the GSA at Old Bridge High School, Natalie and Felicia. They were very welcoming, and I could tell in the first few minutes after meeting them how dedicated they are as educators. They really care about the students, and that was refreshing to see. We waited as the students filed in one by one, not knowing how many to expect. By the start of the presentation, there were about 30. Felicia asked the students to put away their cell phones, and I quickly took mine out to put it on silence, not to interrupt myself. A few students saw me and laughed.

I began by telling them who I was. How I had attended Madison Central High School, which is now Old Bridge High School.  I was 4'8" tall when I arrived in 1982 (30 years ago), and only 4'11" when I graduated. But the good news is that I kept growing, and was now tall, as they could see. I told them how I was more of a nerd than a popular kid. I spent most of my lunch time in the school library reading Coins magazine. I was somewhat of a loner. I had friends, but not many. One friend I had was named Ray. I first met him in 3rd grade when he moved into the neighborhood, just around the block from me. We quickly became best friends and hung out together almost daily.  In 10th grade, Ray came out to me. He told me he was gay. I was terrified. I didn't know how to respond, as (1) I wasn't sure if I was gay (but I did know that I was attracted to boys) and (2) there was no way on Earth I was ready to talk about my feelings with anyone, not even my best friend. I told him it was OK with me, but it really wasn't. I was afraid he would out me by association, so sadly, I pulled away from him as a friend. By the following year, we barely hung out at all. And then by senior year, he left Madison Central and decided to go to New York City to attend the Harvey Milk High School. I lost touch with him for about 20 years until Facebook came along. When we got back in touch, I apologized to him for how I treated him. I was ashamed, but I was in a dark, dark place, and terrified about what might happen if people knew I might be gay.

The students asked a lot of questions. Some were funny. Some serious. One question asked if I had a secret boyfriend in high school. I explained that I didn't start dating men until I was 26, so in high school I didn't a secret boyfriend, but I was secretly in love with about 12 different guys, most of which were on the football team.

I talked about college and then starting to work at HBO. Then learning to play ice hockey. Some of the students were surprised that I played ice hockey. They didn't expect that gay people could do that. I had a little side discussion with the group about it, telling them that gay people can do anything and that we're in all walks of life, as hockey players, musicians, even garbage men. It seemed to be a new concept for some of them. I told them all about starting the gay hockey league and how much I enjoyed it. Sports can do wonders for one's self-esteem!

One interesting question from one of the young ladies asked what I would do if a best friend kept hinting that he might be gay, but never actually said it. But she knew he was gay, but he just wouldn't bring it up. I suggested that she make it clear to him that he should be comfortable talking with her about anything he wanted, and that no matter what the subject was, she wouldn't judge him, because they're best friends and she loved him. I told her not to ask him right out if he was gay. That could backfire and could make him uncomfortable and angry that she invaded his privacy. It's up to him to come out to her when he's ready, so make him as comfortable in talking with you about anything as you can. Who knew I was Dear Abby?? Haha.

Next I told the students all about starting to work at HBO (before any of them were born... ouch). They were excited, asking me about True Blood, which I would assume they'd be too young to watch (ah, parents...). I told them how wonderful HBO is to work for, and how I feel welcomed there as a gay man.

My coming out stories were next. When I told them about coming out to my family. They were listening carefully to every word I had to say. I suppose many of them have gone through (or WILL go through) a similar experience.  I explained how in my mind I built it up as a frightening scenario which could have a disastrous outcome, but long story short, they told me that they loved me and that wouldn't change. (I got a little choked up, as I always do. Tawk amongst yourselves)

Lastly, I told them about meeting Joel at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and how I proposed to him at the same place on the one-year anniversary of the night we met. All of the girls (and a few of the boys) let out a collective "Awwww."

I wrapped things up, answers a few more questions and then thanked everyone for allowing me to be there to tell my story. It was a great experience for me to be able to tell the students all about my life, and how happy I am now. Looking back, I remember being terrified about what my life was going to be -- and I hope that my story puts their young minds at ease, if only just a little bit.

After the talk, I met one of the former students, named Jordan who started the GSA at the high school three years ago, and now attends my alma-mater, The College of New Jersey (formerly Trenton State College). It was great to meet him and learn that he started the group and was happy to see it going strong!

I'm looking forward to going back again next year!

Happy 100th Birthday Cousin Elsa!

6/25/2010

It was a Saturday in 1910, 100 years ago on June 25th, and Elsa Gorochod was born in Brooklyn, New York. This year, her birthday is on a Friday. Elsa just celebrated her first century on Earth. I spoke to her this afternoon and asked her how she feels being 100. She said, "Jeff, its difficult. My mind is 40, but my body is 100."

Elsa is my grandmother's 1st cousin. Their fathers were brothers. They were very close throughout the years and Elsa told me so many great stories about the history of our family (at least the Gorochod branch). I will always be grateful to her for the information she handed down to me for the Family Tree. :)

Elsa (Center) with her brothers Milton (left) and Julius (right).
Her younger cousin Monty in front. Photo circa 1923.

I visited Elsa in Tucson, Arizona in 2005.

HAPPY 100th BIRTHDAY Elsa!

May you have 100 more!

Love, Cousin Jeff

Small world. It's about the size of Brooklyn.

I went to Florida this weekend to visit some older relatives and to meet some I'd never met before. One of them was Arlene Eisner. Arlene is a week shy of her 84th birthday. She is my 2nd cousin once removed (her grandmother, Ester Malka Eiglarsh was the sister of my great-grandmother, Goldy Weiner).

We talked about her life in the "old days" living in Brooklyn, as most of my relatives did. She remembered a lot about her old neighborhood: the public school she attended, the drug store down the street that her father David ran. But what was most interesting to me is when she told me her parents address: 184A Kosciusko Street. It sounded a little familiar, but of course, I've been interviewing family members for over 25 years asking them where they lived and where they grew up. I vaguely remembered my father telling me he grew up on Kosciusko Street in Brooklyn. In fact, about a year ago, we were in Brooklyn and he drove us down his old block to show us around.

While sitting with Arlene, I called my Dad and asked him what his old address was. He told me, "186 Kosciusko Street". I couldn't believe it! Next door neighbors with Arlene's parents, where she grew up with her sisters Roberta and Elaine, and her brother Lawrence (nicknamed "Happy"). I asked Arlene in name Bertha Kagan (my grandmother) rang a bell. She thought for a second and said, "Curly red-haired woman?" I got very excited, "Yes! That was my grandma!"

Arlene didn't know the Kagan family well, but she remembered that there were all boys (my Uncle Harvey, my father Bob, and my Uncle Dennis who died at the age of 5). She didn't remember that Dennis had died so young, but she did say that she remember something bad that had happened. When my grandmother came home from the hospital after having Dennis, she knew something was wrong. She felt something strange about the baby and realized that he wasn't hers. The hospital gave her the wrong child to take home. They immediately went back to the hospital and upon arriving they saw a nurse holding Dennis, as the hospital realized (around the same time) that they had made a mistake.

While on the phone with my Dad asks me to see if he remembered any of the neighbors. He didn't recognize any of the Eiglarsh girls, but the name "Happy" was familiar!

Small world. It's about the size of Brooklyn. 

Hurricane Sandy

Hurricane Sandy hit New Jersey and New York on Monday. It's now late Tuesday night and I can't sleep. Joel is next to me, quietly counting sheep as I type. This morning we decided to get in the car to survey the damage caused by the storm. We saw so many trees down, some on top of electrical wires. Others on top of houses. There were leaves and twigs everywhere. Signs had been blown off of the buildings. Flags flying at the top of their flagpoles were shredded.

For us, luckily there was no damage at all. For the most part, the complex remained intact with only a few trees down and roofing shingles littering the grass. Our power has been out since last night. It's frightening how much we rely on something as simple as electricity. Not only for lighting, but for so many of our household tasks. Joel suggested we clean the apartment while waiting for the power to return. He instructed me to vacuum the living room rug. I smiled and asked him how?  But he isn't the only one who forgot we need power to do certain things. While I was preparing dinner later, I opened a can of carrots and placed them in a bowl. I actually opened the microwave oven door before realizing what an idiot I was. Or maybe it was just habit. I heated the carrots the old fashioned way, on the stove. That worked fine. The pilot light on the stove is electric, so I have to turn on the gas and use a match (how antiquated!) but that lights the fire.

Joel and I are doing fine passing the time. We played cards tonight. I taught him how to play poker. He was getting the hang of it, even beat me a few times. Then I taught him gin rummy. That was more fun. We played our first game and he won. Then we decided to watch a movie on the remaining battery life in his laptop. All we had were some of my old DVDs so we ended up watching Star Trek: Insurrection. Joel liked it. I love anything Star Trek.

We are planning to drive down to Neptune tomorrow to see his family and find our how they are holding up.

Ok getting sleepy! Night night. And Happy Halloween (in one hour)

So long, NYCGBL, but not good-bye...

My Farewell Letter upon stepping down from the Board of Directors of the NYC Gay Basketball League:

Dear Friends,

As all good things must come to an end, my time on the Board of Directors must as well. I have served the NYC Gay Basketball League for the past five years in various roles: co-founder, Commissioner, Secretary, Treasurer, Communications Director, webmaster, fundraiser, photographer, scorekeeper, graphic designer (hack) and advisor, just to name a few.

Several months ago, I decided that this past term would be my last. It was not an easy decision. I feel I have contributed as much as I could to the organization, and it was time to pass the ball to some rookies to let them run with it.

I've made some life-long friends in the NYCGBL -- people I've grown to love and care about. At the start of each season, I looked forward to our draft parties, opening days and championship days. And at the end of each season, I shared an incredible sense of accomplishment with my fellow board members, knowing we've worked hard to provide the community with a "home" for LGBT athletes looking to play basketball and make new friends. 

I am most proud of the camaraderie and friendships that have developed season after season. I've seen total strangers meet for the first time, and become best friends, and even boyfriends. These are the types of things that kept me going year after year. 

Thank you all for being a part of this family. As I've often said, it wouldn't be what it is without all of you.

Sincerely,
Jeff Kagan